“She did what she could.”

These are very powerful words from scripture….

“While he (Jesus) was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.
 Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, “Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages and the money given to the poor.” And they rebuked her harshly.
   “Leave her alone,” said Jesus. “Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. Truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.” Mark 14:3-9

This woman was worshipping her Lord Jesus Christ.  She was giving HIM her all. She gave HIM what she had.  No more, no less.  And Jesus honored that.  HE did not judge her. HE did not stop her. HE let her do what she could do.  HE defended her. She did what she could.

In my grief I have been paralyzed. 

There were times that I could not worship HIM due to my anger. Due to my anguish. Due to my grief. 

There were times that that I did not have the words to express my gratitude to HIM due to HIS goodness.  Due to HIS arms that were wrapped around me. Due to HIS love.

There were times that I gave to HIM my energy, my devotion, and my money (should I say I gave HIS money back to HIM). 

There were times I could NOT do what I wanted to do. What I needed to do.  Either physically, mentally or spiritually.  I was paralyzed

There were also times that I did things that in hindsight even amaze me.  I gave, I wrote, I shared, I walked, and I worshipped all that I could.  No more, no less. 

I did what I could.  And I am sooo very thankful to HIM for HIS word & all HIS promises.  For they are what give me hope for my future. 

Answered Prayers

My Hubby prayed for both our kid’s salvations. He prayed that they come to know Jesus as their Lord & Savoir. He prayed that He would live in their hearts.  He prayed that they both love Him & follow Him all the days of their lives.  I am sure that he prayed these things long before they were both born. I prayed these prayers along side of him. 

My Hubby led our daughter to Christ. He told her of His ways. He led her to Him.  He prayed with her. She was baptized on Father’s Day.  He was with her every step of the way. He was so proud of her. I’m not sure who was happier, him, her or Jesus.

Just a few months later my Hubby was diagnosed with colon cancer.  His faith was incredible.  He believed he was going to be healed here on earth.  He did not want us to believe any different.  He wanted to be here for our kids & me.  I also know that he wanted to lead our son to Christ.  He wanted that honor & privilege. I wanted him to have that honor & privilege. I wanted him to be with us to be able to lead our family.

But then my Hubby went to heaven. 

He left me asking “Why?”

God then led me to this….

“Things happen for a reason. God is at work in mysterious ways. HE will guide you & protect you as you go along your way. HIS love is always with you. HIS promises are true and when we give HIM all out cares you know HE will see us through. When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.”

…And a peace came over me.  My Lord and Savior was my comfort. I could do ALL things through HIM who gave me strength.  HE was all I needed.  HE carried me. 

…It amazed even me what I could do…

Then the day came that my son started asking questions.  Questions about Jesus.  About Heaven. About his salvation.  I know he would have been asking his Daddy these things if he were still here. But it was me who he turned to in his absence.  I therefore I had the honor & privilege of leading him to Christ. 

…But this is NOT how it was supposed to be…

Then my son started asking about getting baptized.  For selfish reasons I put it off. I knew it would be a hard day. It was supposed to be a very special day that included his Daddy.  He would have organized everything. Just like he did for our daughter.  But instead it had to be me.  And I did not want to.  I wanted my Hubby to be here to do it. 

Then Jesus convicted me of my selfishness. 

I could not stand in the way of my son's first step of obedience. Cause that is what is all about.  I needed to help him take that first step & not stand in his way. 

HE then guided me. Led me. Comforted me. Carried me. Gave me strength.  Just like HE promised. 

I started making the necessary plans.  I talked to family & friends. I sought help where we needed it.

In the process I was humbled by everyone & amazed by HIS love for my family & me. 

Everyone I invited wanted to be here.

Everyone who I asked help from did what I asked. 

Then the day came.  My son was sooo excited.  He truly understood what was going to happen & what it meant. 

Then the moment came.  His face said it all. He was grinning from ear to ear. He was glowing.  Really glowing!

Joy…Happiness…Delight…Praise…Thankfulness…Pure bliss…were just some of the emotions that ran through me.  At the same time, in all honesty, there was also Disappointment…Sadness…Grief. His Daddy should have been with us for this moment. 

But I am sure that his Daddy was singing Hallelujah with all of his heart. His prayer has been answered.  In God’s timing.  In HIS way.

God is Good….

But at the end of the day….being utterly exhausted from all of the excitement of the day…. my son cried out in pure agony “I want my Daddy”. And my heart broke for him as he cried himself to sleep. And I couldn’t help myself & asked “Why couldn’t his Daddy be here with him/us on this very special day ???”

Then I read today…

“Sometimes I get mad because things are not working out the way I think they should. And in those times, I can easily switch from a heart of praise and thankfulness and trust to a heart of disappointment and dismay.   How quickly my cry can shift from adoration to accusation.    ‘Why, Lord why’?   ‘How can you let this happen?’  ‘Where is there any victory in this ugly’?

Precious Jesus – as I walk through this Easter week, forgive me for my doubt.  Forgive me for my lack of trust.  Forgive me for joining the crowd and raising my fist in the air in accusation against the ugliness of life.  I choose to trust you. No matter what.  Thank you for your faithfulness.  That you were willing to die.  For me.   That you have promised to work all things together for good.   Even when things are not working out that way I think they should, you are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  And your kingdom is forever.  I pray you meet each of my sweet sisters right where they are.  And that even in the middle of whatever life is throwing at them right now; they would still see You as King and choose to say ‘Hosanna.”

He is risen!!!”

God IS Good.

And HE does answer our prayers. 

Our ‘Tax Refund’

It was our first spring as a married couple. We were looking forward to many things in our new life together.

One thing we were both passionate about was the water.  We loved being near it, on it, around it.  Therefore we both had a dream of owning a boat.  It was something we talked about when we were just dating. 

That year we were getting a big tax refund.  We decided together to use that money to buy a boat.  We did not want to be in debt for a ‘toy’.  We looked at several boats. We decided on an oldie but a goodie. 

We unofficially named her ‘Tax Refund’.

The first several years we were married, we spent our summer weekends & even some weeknights on the lake just down the road from us. Lots of wonderful memories were made.  Memories of good times, laughter & smiles.  Memories of lots sunshine & occasional thunderstorms.  Of sunsets, rainbows & fireworks.  We shared picnics & sunscreen. We road around in circles towing family & friends on skis, wake boards & innertubes.  We taught friends to water ski. Good times were had by all. 

Then our daughter was born.  She may have slowed us down a bit, but we still spent as much time as we could on our lake.  For the first few years of her life she always fell asleep with the purr of the engine.  Therefore she had many naps on the floor of our boat.  And we would cruise slowly around the shoreline, gazing at houses, dreaming someday we would live on the water. Then, sure enough as soon as we turned the engine off, she would wake up. 

Then our baby boy was born. He loved the water and going for rides on our boat. He could spend all day looking out at the horizon.  He did not want to relax as his sister did.  He didn’t want to miss anything.  It was just too fun and enchanting for him.

We had been trailering our boat for years.  Eventually we were able to put her in the water at a marina.  We were able to go out on the lake on a whim and life was wonderful…

Then my Hubby got a diagnosis.  Colon cancer.  Cancer caused our carefree days on our lake to become even more special.  They became less frequent but more meaningful, cherished & treasured.  Those memories are now priceless. 

Then my Hubby went to heaven. 

He left our ‘Tax Refund’ behind….as well as the rest of his belongings. 

I knew I could not afford to keep our ‘Tax Refund’ at the marina.  I also could not trailer her by myself. Our kids were too little to be of any significant help. 

It was not fair of me to leave her parked in my driveway.  She needed a new captain, a new family to go to.  So after some thought & prayer, I did what I needed to do…

I sent an email to a friend. He responded positively.  I asked for a very reasonable price.  Threw in all our life jackets & toys. And our ‘Tax Refund’ had a new owner, a friend of ours.

This friend had been on our boat many times.  He was a part of our lake memories. He knew my Hubby & his love of our lake.   He knew. 

He & his wife were newly married.  They had talked about getting a boat. I know they wanted a boat.  But he had never taken the plunge to get one.  I had wondered why, but now I know why.  He was meant to get ours.  God knew. 

HE knew that I would find peace in our boat, our ‘Tax Refund’, going to someone that understood.

It was a sad day to me when they picked her up.  It was the end of a chapter of my life, our life. It was the end of my carefree days on the lake with my family.  But it was the beginning of a chapter for my friend & his wife.  I knew the fun that was ahead of them.  I was excited for them.  I remembered my excitement when my Hubby & I first got our ‘Tax Refund’. 

My friends took my kids & I for a ride on her last summer.  They had cleaned her up & given her a face-lift. She looked great. And I could picture my Hubby in heaven smiling down on us that day. It was full of good times, laughter & smiles.   Just like we used to have all together.

It is Well with My Soul

Back in Dec. 2008 I was trying to decide which ladies bible study to take.  There were several to choose from. They all sounded so good. I was hungry for the word. I was eager to learn more.  But not sure which study I should do. 

I narrowed my selection to two different classes.  I asked my Hubby which one he thought I should do. He read over the descriptions and gave me his opinion.  That is the one I choose. 

Then the unthinkable happened…My Hubby was called home to Heaven…. Yes, he had been fighting the battle of colon cancer for the past 18 months…but we believed he would be healed here on earth. 

In the planning of his funeral, several people really helped me.  One of them was a good friend of my Hubby.  He met my Hubby through work.  They started as competitors but later became good friends. Great friends. They ended up working together at the same company. 

He was a Godly man whom I trusted.  Therefore when he offered help & advice during the days after my Hubby went to heaven I listened.  He told me that he felt that God put it on his heart that “It is Well with my Soul” should be sung at my Hubby’s funeral. 

I do not remember hearing the famous hymn before.  But I trusted my Hubby’s friend.  More importantly I trusted God. I knew HE was protecting me, comforting me and guiding me.

So the music minister of our church sang “It is Well with My Soul”.

I really did not give it a second thought.

Then I learned & realized just how much God loves me.  HE truly was protecting me, comforting me and guiding me. Actually HE was carrying me.... 

I was in HIS arms…

HIS promises are TRUE…

God is in control…

About a month passes after his funeral and I go to my new Tuesday Morning Bible study class. The one that my Hubby thought I should take…. Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark by Jennifer Rothschild.

We go through the normal introductions & ice breakers. Then we watch a video & heard Jennifer’s testimony…

“When Jennifer was 15 and beginning her sophomore year of high school, she noticed her eyesight starting to deteriorate rapidly. Though her eyesight had started to weaken in junior high school, she found that this time the loss of sight was unusual. Though she did not want to admit she had a vision problem, she told her mother. Her mother immediately took Jennifer to the ophthalmologist.
The ophthalmologist tried to remedy the problem with a stronger eyeglasses prescription, but it didn't help. He then referred her to Bascom Palmer Eye Institute.
After a few days of testing, the doctors at the institute met with Jennifer and her parents. They told her she had retinitis pigmentosa, a degenerative eye disease that slowly eats away at the retina of the eye. There is no cure and no way to correct damage already done. A doctor said Jennifer had lost so much sight that her retinas would continue to deteriorate until she was totally blind. At that point, she was legally blind…Her dreams of becoming a commercial artist and cartoonist faded.
After her diagnosis, when she was back at home, Jennifer started to play the piano. Though she had been taking piano lessons for years and practiced diligently every night, she noticed this time it was different. Looking back, she believes God guided her hands to play "It is Well with My Soul" by ear. To Jennifer, the miraculous event wasn't that she could play the song, but that it was actually well with her soul. This is the greatest lesson that God has taught Jennifer in the school of suffering: it doesn't have to be well with your circumstances for it to be well with your soul.” 

My Hubby’s death was NOT well with my circumstances.  He left me as a single widowed mother of our two kids. (ages 5 & 7)  I was heart broken. My dream of living happily ever after with my Hubby was shattered. My life as I knew it was over.  A new normal HAD to emerge.  I no longer had my Hubby to protect me, comfort me & guide me. I could no longer lean on him. He was gone.

But somehow it was “well with my soul”.  I had the peace that surpassed all understanding. God’s arms were wrapped around me.  HE was protecting me, comforting me and guiding me. I realized that I could truly lean on HIM. HE was there for me.

In the weeks that followed I learned a lot from this bible study…. 

I realized just how blind my Hubby’s faith was. 

I read Jennifer’s inspiring & encouraging words…

• God is your guide when you walk by faith. HE is good. Life is hard.
• Remember that you know & are known by the sovereign God who is in control of every part of His creation. He sees when a sparrow falls. He knows the thorns that bring you pain. God is able to use evil people & evil acts to accomplish His glory and our Good.
• What at first looks like a complication can actually be an extraordinary blessing in disguise.
• Grateful eyes see God’s glory as well as His grace…I chose to be grateful in what God has allowed.
• Faith is not meant to offer an escape from life’s difficulties; its purpose is to give us strength in the midst of them.
• We can confidently expect God to use our painful circumstances for good. 
• Chose to rejoice in spite of difficulty – suffering strengthens faith, joy showcases God’s power, and mourning ministers to others.
• We must listen to God. He has great plans for us.
• He is my source of hope…. Trust produces hope in difficult times…Place your hope in God; delight in Him, and you will never be disappointed. 
• To experience the life of faith, we must abandon our pride & humbly admit our sorrow, pain & needs.
• Releasing sorrow to God doesn’t lead to weakness; it generates supernatural strength. Crying never washes away our hope; to helps cleanse the eyes of our souls so we can clearly see the source of our hope.
• We all grieve. We miss the glory of God when we walk by sight and seem to only see bitterness or difficulty. Jesus understands our sorrow. Beyond that, He is moved by our sadness & grief, so trust Him with your tears. 
• We must learn to have an eternal perspective. 

 I read bible verses referenced in this study that spoke to me…

• The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nah 1:7
• Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5
• Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13 
• The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deut 31:8
• God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matt 5:4
• Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matt 10:29-31
• I can do all things through Christ  who strengthens me. Phil 4:13 (I remember repeating this verse over and over many times a day during this stage of my grief.)
• You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7
• My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:5-6

 I wrote in response to questions and bible verses…

• “I can walk by faith with confident stride because”…God is with me   :)
• Obey Christ despite thoughts & feelings
• I know He will look after me. It is well with my soul
• He tells me not to fear - Nothing to fear – And He will provide
• Don’t worry about getting things done. It will get done in God’s timing.
• Seek Him & He will provide.
• Thank You Lord for these trials. You are with me & protecting me – despite circumstances.
• My relationship has grown with Him – I have learned to lean on Him – and He does provide.
• Give Him the Glory   :)   <3
• I’m feeling His comfort
• Put Him first & He will help me. 
• He is the one in control.
• I find rest in God alone – Trust in Him – Praise Him – I will not be shaken. 

In hindsight I was in a fog during this time. I was numb. The reality that my Hubby was gone had not hit yet. I remember thinking during this time that grief is not that hard. This is because I had not started truly grieving yet.  God was protecting me, comforting me and guiding me. He was giving me strength. He was laying a foundation. HE was there for me.  I was clinging to my hope and faith in HIM. I am so very thankful for His grace & mercy during this season of my life. 

Buy Panasonic

After praying…Please open my eyes Lord to YOUR goodness.  Help me to see the rainbows & blessings.  Help me to remember ALL the good things YOU have done…I wrote this…

I remember my Hubby coming to me and sharing with me.  He was a bit bewildered.  Surprised.  Panasonic approached him about a position for him.  I really don’t remember the details.  But he asked if I would pray with him.  God…if this is you please open the doors.  If not, please shut them. 

A little while later, after job interviews and much prayer, my Hubby was Panasonic’s new Eastern Regional Sales Manager.   He started in May 2007.

This job entailed less responsibility, less territory, less travel…but more money!

And he was able to work out of our home when he wasn’t traveling. 

WOW!

Must be a God thing I remember thinking…

Fast forward to August 2007…

My Hubby was diagnosed with Colon cancer.  Hospital stays, doctor’s appointments, chemo treatments were in the mix. 

He was told he could use his “vacation” days for his hospital stay.  We were sooo blessed by that we thought.  His paycheck would not be effected by him being unable to work for that period of time. 

But it was…We soon learned Panasonic pays at a different rate for Vacation time.  So the check took a dip.

But God saw us through…

I was taking a ladies bible study at our church during this time.  The ladies felt led to take up a collection for us.  When I shared this with my Hubby he told me that the dollar amount of the gift was almost the same amount as the dip in his paycheck. 

WOW!

This was just the beginning….

HE provided for us. 

Panasonic blew me out of the water with their kindness.

But it was truly God’s grace & mercy. 

And I was sooo very grateful.

Our health insurance covered just about everything.  We had no deductible. I think we had a co-pay for the hospital stays of $100.  Doctors visits (including chemo treatments) only cost us $20 each.  Most prescriptions had a $10 co-pay.  Even our accountant, who is a personal friend, was amazed at how little our medical bills were during this time.

WOW!

During many of my Hubby’s chemo treatments he would actually get some work done. He would have his laptop with him in the chemo room and get stuff done!!! I remember on several occasions he would be texting back & forth with work associates.  Nothing seemed to slow him down at first.

But by Fall/Winter 2008, my Hubby was barely able to work.  He was supposedly working from home.  But I didn’t see him do much. 

But the paychecks continued to be deposited. Nothing was deducted from them.  They were the same as they ever were. 

WOW!

My Hubby did amaze me. I heard him on the phone many times.  Once, while in the hospital he even phoned in on a conference call. He was bound & determined not to give in. He was getting his work done.  He wouldn’t have it any other way. 

I remember him trying to figure out how he could take his IV foods with him on a business trip he needed to take.  His wheels were turning.  They never seemed to stop.

He did NOT want to go out on disability. Nor did Panasonic ask him to.  He just did what he could and worked as much as he could.  Panasonic was fine with that.  No questions asked. 

WOW!

Then the unthinkable happened.  My Hubby went to heaven in Jan 2009. 

I remember speaking with his boss.  He was in shock.  Disbelief!  Last time he spoke with him, my Hubby had told him that he would call him on Monday and start to work on some special project that they had already discussed.  My Hubby was feeling better at that time and obviously hopeful.

His boss came to visit with me.  Spent time with me at my house.  Others from Panasonic came to the visitation & funeral.  I got phone calls from HR.  They held my hand in everything that needed to be done.  Nothing was rushed.  It was all done slowly but surely.  No demands were made.  They were understanding and sympathetic. 

WOW!

I got a notice in the mail from Panasonic. It was about Cobra. Panasonic was going to pay for 6 months of Cobra for me & my kids.  6 Months!  I did not need to even think about health care coverage for 6 months. 

WOW!

I was paying some bills. I had not received any life insurance yet.  Everything was still in the works. It all takes time.  I’m wondering how I am going to make all my ends meet.  The door bell rings.  It's an envelope that I need to sign for.  It's from Panasonic.  It’s a commission check for My Hubby. 

WOW! 

The doorbell rang again for the next couple of months.  Panasonic paid all the commissions that were due to my Hubby.  No questions asked.  (All commissioned salesmen know that it takes a while for money to pass through the pipeline and end in the salesman's pocket.) 

WOW!

My Hubby had a life insurance policy through Panasonic. I was told it was for twice his annual income.  I knew this. My Hubby & I had talked about this.  Then I got the check.  It was for more than I had anticipated.  I phoned Panasonic.  I had to question them about it.  It had to be wrong.   But it wasn’t.  Panasonic took into consideration his full payment package, with all his benefits and everything.  It was right & it blew me out of the water.

WOW!

God is sooo very good. 

If my Hubby had not taken that job with Panasonic, he would have still been with Viscom.  A small German company. I don’t even want to think about what could have been.  I am very thankful to God for opening that door. 

God blessed us immeasurably through Panasonic. And I am not just talking about financial blessings.  I’m talking about their understanding, their sympathy, their kindness & their grace that evidenced by their actions & decisions.  To say I am thankful is an understatement.

Some would say that many of the above things were coincidences. Kind people. Just luck.  Company policies.

I think otherwise. 

It was God.

It was HIS grace & mercy.

HE was providing for us.

I am eternally grateful.

God is Good.

And so is Panasonic.

The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving-kindness. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works. Psalm 145:8-9

Questions

Out of the blue my Son (7) asked me yesterday “Who is going to be my kid’s Grandpa?”  I said all I could think of “Your wife’s Dad” …Silence... I was wondering…where did that come from???…What is going through his head?   I then asked him “Is that OK?” and he said “yea”.  It makes me so sad that my 7-year-old son is thinking of such things.

A long time ago my Daughter (8) asked me “Who is going to walk me down my wedding aisle?”  I believe it was around the time of my brothers wedding.  She had weddings on her brain.  She learned that Father’s walk their daughters down the aisle. I told her that I would walk her down the aisle.

Such big questions for little ones to be thinking.  It’s NOT fair that their Daddy is in Heaven.  He is supposed to be here for them. He is supposed to be able to do everyday stuff with them. He is supposed to teach them, lead them, and encourage them. He is supposed to be with them as they grow up.  He is supposed to be their kids Grandpa. He would have been a wonderful Grandpa. He would have spoiled his Grand kids ROTTEN.  He is supposed to walk his daughter down the aisle. I can just picture his face with a huge smile on it. He would have been sooo PROUD of her. 

So I grieve not only the loss of my Hubby, but also the loss of my kids Daddy. My heart is broken for them.  I still have my Dad. He is always there for me when I need him. He watched me grow up.  He is my kid’s Grandpa. He walked me down my wedding aisle. 

So I am going to put my trust in God and believe His promises. I know He is close to me.  “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 

I Remember...

I remember laying in bed waiting to hear from my Hubby. It was late August 2007.  He had gone to the hospital due to abdominal pain.  He had previously been diagnosed with food poisoning.  But he was not getting any better.  So he drove himself to the ER.  He did not want me to take him with kids in tow or ask someone to look after them. 

He phoned me to tell me that they found a blockage in his colon via an x-ray.  I remember that many thoughts were running through my head. He was concerned that he would not be able to drive himself home due to the drugs they had given him.  Then he said he might have to have surgery to remove the blockage.  They did not know what the blockage was.  I was in the fetal position not knowing what was ahead of us.  Many things & many prayers ran through my head that night. All I knew was God was in control and I was putting my trust in Him…

My Hubby did have surgery the next day to remove a fist size tumor that was found to be cancerous.  He had to have an ilosomy as they could not put him back together. Scans were done.  A spot was found on his liver.  After healing from the surgery,  chemo treatments started.  After the 12^th treatment we scheduled surgery in June 2008 to reverse his ilosomy. When the doctors opened him up they found more cancer. They could not do the reversal.  We looked into our options. More scans were done.  Chemo was the path we took. 

My hubby’s faith was incredible. His  prayer was for God to get all the glory through his battle with cancer. He believed he was going to be healed here on earth.  He would not let me think any other way.

In Nov 2008 my Hubby was experiencing more major abdominal pain.  He was admitted to the hospital as another blockage was found.   The doctors opened him up to see if they could remove the blockage.  They couldn’t.  After recovering from the surgery he came home. He was on pain medications due to being in lots of pain. He was taking IV foods due to not being able eat anything by mouth.

Then he had to go back into the hospital. Things were looking really bad. The doctors finally figured out that his port had an infection in it. They remove it and put another devise in. They put him on a strong dose of more medicines & he was able to come home again.  It was amazing how well he was doing considering everything. 

We were able to spend Christmas together at home as a family. Kids were sooo excited.  They were at the ages where they truly believed in all the splendor of Christmas. We had a simple Christmas. We savored the special moments. We remembered the reason for the season and were so thankful that Jesus was born. He gave us grace, hope & peace.  The best gifts ever. 

January 10^th 2009 was my Hubby’s 43^rd birthday.  I invited everyone to come by our house to wish him a Happy Birthday. It was a surprise to him. But our daughter (age 7) was sooo excited that she let a few secrets out of the bag.  I told everyone to bring a helium balloon.  People were coming & going through out the day to love on him.  By the end of the day he had a ceiling full of balloons & a heart full of love. It amazed me how well he did that day. I remember his strength. His stamina. His smile. His laugh.  He engaged in conversation with everyone asking how they were doing. What was going on in their lives?? He enjoyed every second with everyone.  He even got up to go to the kitchen to blow out candles on his cake. 

You have to understand…by this time my Hubby was really feeling lousy.  He was in pain & nauseated.  He was on IV foods and pain patches and many other medications.  He could take nothing by his mouth.  He got his nourishment via the port he had in his chest.  At the end he couldn’t even get up & go to the bathroom.   His legs were swollen & his upper body was weak & frail.  He was throwing up all the time.  He would even drink a bunch purposely…he was thirsty…and then throw it all up. 

I remember the morning after his birthday we got up & went to church.  My Hubby was in a wheelchair.  It was work on my part to be there.  Again God is the one who gave me strength. I don’t know how else to explain it.  I was in a cloud…or fog.  I was on autopilot. Doing what I had to do to get through the day.  We had some sweet time with our friends in bible fellowship class.  My Hubby shared. We prayed.  I don’t remember any words.  Just that his faith of being healed was present.  He was not giving up. 

I remember trying to talk to him about making plans if something were to happen to him.  He did not want to go there.  He felt that was giving up.  He called it Satan trying to get into house.  I thought I was being realistic.  I just wanted some guidance to what he would want IF something were to happen to him.  He had me brainwashed that he was going to okay.

And again the following Sunday we went to church.  I remember getting up at about 6 am in order to get to the 9:30 service. We sat down in front.  I remember our Pastor & others coming over to talk & even pray with us.  My hubby did not feel so good this day.  We headed to bible fellowship class. We did not stay long. A friend helped us get home. 

By this time my Hubby had the gastro tube inserted.  He could therefore empty his tummy without throwing it up.  I went to the grocery store that after while a friend stayed with my Hubby.  Ice cream & fruit punch was on my shopping list.  I remember him eating & drinking & them him emptying his tummy via the tube.  Not an easy sight to see or even to comprehend. 

I remember on that Monday we went to Doctors to get my Hubby’s “anti cancer” medicine.  He was not feeling well.  Actually, that is an understatement…. He felt lousy and was weak. I was fully anticipating his doctor saying that he would not get his treatment this day.  That had happened before many times.  He was just sometime too sick to get his treatment.  Or his blood count was not right.  Or his mouth was too torn up.  So I was fully anticipating him sending us home.  Instead the doctor said something like “Let’s keep fighting” and sent up into the treatment room. 

My Hubby believed that he was going to be healed by God…but did not want to stop getting the medicines that the doctors recommended.  If he stopped getting the medicine that meant giving up in his book.  He did NOT want to give up. He never gave up his hope of healing. 
So he got the treatment. 

I remember him being REALLY weakened by it.  He could not walk on his own.   So we got him into the wheelchair and into the car.  In hindsight I should have had someone meet me at our house.  But I thought I could continue to do it all myself.  When we got home we really struggled to get him in his chair.  At one point he was on the floor of our family room. I just was not strong enough to lift him on my own.  I was phoning some neighbors.  I think I even phoned our church.  I don’t remember now.  We finally did get him in his chair.  He was exhausted.  So was I.  But he could not get comfortable.  He wanted to lie down on the couch.  I refused to move him on my own. I was afraid of him ending up on the floor again.  A friend from church delivered dinner to us.  She helped move him to the couch.

It was this night that I realized I could no longer do this on my own…. I needed help…we needed to phone hospice.  This was something that my Hubby did not want.  His mother had hospice in her latter days of fighting breast cancer.  He believed that hospice killed her by giving her an overdose of pain medication. So he did not want hospice. 

I remember that I was running around getting everything done that needed to be done.  I don’t even remember what at this point.  But between my Hubby’s needs & my kid’s needs, I just could not sit & rest.  In the middle of all this the doorbell rang.  It was a neighbor who also worked at our church.  He was one of the people I had tried to call earlier but did not get him.  I would have phoned him again but I could not stop what I was doing to do so. 

Then I remember putting the kids to bed and then discovering some friends had arrived.  The wife was kindly hiding from the kids, as she knew they would not settle down if they saw her.  I was talking to the ladies in the kitchen.  The guys were talking with my Hubby.  I was saying I could not do this any more.  I needed help.  I really don’t remember much else about our conversation or even what my Hubby & I said to each other that night. I just remember being exhausted.  I did talk with my Hubby’s Dad.  I still thought he was going to be OK.  I did not encourage him to come that night. I thought we had more time. 

A friend stayed the night. I showed him what medications my Hubby needed during the night. I took a sleeping pill with his permission. My Hubby encouraged me to go rest & that he would be just fine. And I slept through the night. 

The next morning I got our kids up and ready for school.  I talked with our friend and checked on my Hubby.  He was sleeping. I remember holding my Hubby’s hand as I told him I was going to take the kids to school & I will be back soon. 

Upon my return our friend told me we should take my Hubby to the hospital. I was on autopilot and did as I was told. My head was in a fog.   I remember being in the front of the ambulance & my Hubby being in the back.  When we arrived at the hospital they put him in a room & asked me a few questions. I really do not remember much.  It’s a blur.  Then I was in the waiting room while they got him comfortable & situated. 

Friends started showing up. People were making phone calls for me.  We were then in a big hospital room in the ER.  More people showed up. More phone calls were made. I was holding my Hubby’s hand.  People were coming over & talking to us.  I really don’t remember any words said.  Then we all formed a circle around his bed. We were all holding hands.  A prayer was said.  Then a friend/nurse said that he was gone.  I continued to hold his hand.  It’s a blur.  I haven’t thought about all this is sooo long.  It seems like a bad dream now.

I remember I was telling friends to phone family members & friends.  Someone had my cell phone.  I continued to hold my hubby’s hand.  I did not want to let go.  The men from the funeral home showed up. I had to leave the hospital.  I had decisions that had to be made.  A friend drove me home in my car.  Not sure how my car got to the hospital.  It’s a big blur. 

I remember that some friends were at my house cleaning. More people then showed up, including pastors.  I don’t remember any words said.  I just remember feeling loved & cared for. 

Next thing I remember, I am in a car with 2 girlfriends going to pick my kids up early from school.  We took them to a little private chapel and I told them there, just the 3 of us.  I don’t think they fully comprehended what I was telling them.  I don’t remember my exact words.  God was (and still is) guiding me, protecting me, comforting me.  And I am sooo very thankful for that.  

God is good and I know that this is His will for my life…and I am at peace…a peace that surpasses all understanding.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-8 

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. Psalm 77:11-14