I Remember...

I remember laying in bed waiting to hear from my Hubby. It was late August 2007.  He had gone to the hospital due to abdominal pain.  He had previously been diagnosed with food poisoning.  But he was not getting any better.  So he drove himself to the ER.  He did not want me to take him with kids in tow or ask someone to look after them. 

He phoned me to tell me that they found a blockage in his colon via an x-ray.  I remember that many thoughts were running through my head. He was concerned that he would not be able to drive himself home due to the drugs they had given him.  Then he said he might have to have surgery to remove the blockage.  They did not know what the blockage was.  I was in the fetal position not knowing what was ahead of us.  Many things & many prayers ran through my head that night. All I knew was God was in control and I was putting my trust in Him…

My Hubby did have surgery the next day to remove a fist size tumor that was found to be cancerous.  He had to have an ilosomy as they could not put him back together. Scans were done.  A spot was found on his liver.  After healing from the surgery,  chemo treatments started.  After the 12^th treatment we scheduled surgery in June 2008 to reverse his ilosomy. When the doctors opened him up they found more cancer. They could not do the reversal.  We looked into our options. More scans were done.  Chemo was the path we took. 

My hubby’s faith was incredible. His  prayer was for God to get all the glory through his battle with cancer. He believed he was going to be healed here on earth.  He would not let me think any other way.

In Nov 2008 my Hubby was experiencing more major abdominal pain.  He was admitted to the hospital as another blockage was found.   The doctors opened him up to see if they could remove the blockage.  They couldn’t.  After recovering from the surgery he came home. He was on pain medications due to being in lots of pain. He was taking IV foods due to not being able eat anything by mouth.

Then he had to go back into the hospital. Things were looking really bad. The doctors finally figured out that his port had an infection in it. They remove it and put another devise in. They put him on a strong dose of more medicines & he was able to come home again.  It was amazing how well he was doing considering everything. 

We were able to spend Christmas together at home as a family. Kids were sooo excited.  They were at the ages where they truly believed in all the splendor of Christmas. We had a simple Christmas. We savored the special moments. We remembered the reason for the season and were so thankful that Jesus was born. He gave us grace, hope & peace.  The best gifts ever. 

January 10^th 2009 was my Hubby’s 43^rd birthday.  I invited everyone to come by our house to wish him a Happy Birthday. It was a surprise to him. But our daughter (age 7) was sooo excited that she let a few secrets out of the bag.  I told everyone to bring a helium balloon.  People were coming & going through out the day to love on him.  By the end of the day he had a ceiling full of balloons & a heart full of love. It amazed me how well he did that day. I remember his strength. His stamina. His smile. His laugh.  He engaged in conversation with everyone asking how they were doing. What was going on in their lives?? He enjoyed every second with everyone.  He even got up to go to the kitchen to blow out candles on his cake. 

You have to understand…by this time my Hubby was really feeling lousy.  He was in pain & nauseated.  He was on IV foods and pain patches and many other medications.  He could take nothing by his mouth.  He got his nourishment via the port he had in his chest.  At the end he couldn’t even get up & go to the bathroom.   His legs were swollen & his upper body was weak & frail.  He was throwing up all the time.  He would even drink a bunch purposely…he was thirsty…and then throw it all up. 

I remember the morning after his birthday we got up & went to church.  My Hubby was in a wheelchair.  It was work on my part to be there.  Again God is the one who gave me strength. I don’t know how else to explain it.  I was in a cloud…or fog.  I was on autopilot. Doing what I had to do to get through the day.  We had some sweet time with our friends in bible fellowship class.  My Hubby shared. We prayed.  I don’t remember any words.  Just that his faith of being healed was present.  He was not giving up. 

I remember trying to talk to him about making plans if something were to happen to him.  He did not want to go there.  He felt that was giving up.  He called it Satan trying to get into house.  I thought I was being realistic.  I just wanted some guidance to what he would want IF something were to happen to him.  He had me brainwashed that he was going to okay.

And again the following Sunday we went to church.  I remember getting up at about 6 am in order to get to the 9:30 service. We sat down in front.  I remember our Pastor & others coming over to talk & even pray with us.  My hubby did not feel so good this day.  We headed to bible fellowship class. We did not stay long. A friend helped us get home. 

By this time my Hubby had the gastro tube inserted.  He could therefore empty his tummy without throwing it up.  I went to the grocery store that after while a friend stayed with my Hubby.  Ice cream & fruit punch was on my shopping list.  I remember him eating & drinking & them him emptying his tummy via the tube.  Not an easy sight to see or even to comprehend. 

I remember on that Monday we went to Doctors to get my Hubby’s “anti cancer” medicine.  He was not feeling well.  Actually, that is an understatement…. He felt lousy and was weak. I was fully anticipating his doctor saying that he would not get his treatment this day.  That had happened before many times.  He was just sometime too sick to get his treatment.  Or his blood count was not right.  Or his mouth was too torn up.  So I was fully anticipating him sending us home.  Instead the doctor said something like “Let’s keep fighting” and sent up into the treatment room. 

My Hubby believed that he was going to be healed by God…but did not want to stop getting the medicines that the doctors recommended.  If he stopped getting the medicine that meant giving up in his book.  He did NOT want to give up. He never gave up his hope of healing. 
So he got the treatment. 

I remember him being REALLY weakened by it.  He could not walk on his own.   So we got him into the wheelchair and into the car.  In hindsight I should have had someone meet me at our house.  But I thought I could continue to do it all myself.  When we got home we really struggled to get him in his chair.  At one point he was on the floor of our family room. I just was not strong enough to lift him on my own.  I was phoning some neighbors.  I think I even phoned our church.  I don’t remember now.  We finally did get him in his chair.  He was exhausted.  So was I.  But he could not get comfortable.  He wanted to lie down on the couch.  I refused to move him on my own. I was afraid of him ending up on the floor again.  A friend from church delivered dinner to us.  She helped move him to the couch.

It was this night that I realized I could no longer do this on my own…. I needed help…we needed to phone hospice.  This was something that my Hubby did not want.  His mother had hospice in her latter days of fighting breast cancer.  He believed that hospice killed her by giving her an overdose of pain medication. So he did not want hospice. 

I remember that I was running around getting everything done that needed to be done.  I don’t even remember what at this point.  But between my Hubby’s needs & my kid’s needs, I just could not sit & rest.  In the middle of all this the doorbell rang.  It was a neighbor who also worked at our church.  He was one of the people I had tried to call earlier but did not get him.  I would have phoned him again but I could not stop what I was doing to do so. 

Then I remember putting the kids to bed and then discovering some friends had arrived.  The wife was kindly hiding from the kids, as she knew they would not settle down if they saw her.  I was talking to the ladies in the kitchen.  The guys were talking with my Hubby.  I was saying I could not do this any more.  I needed help.  I really don’t remember much else about our conversation or even what my Hubby & I said to each other that night. I just remember being exhausted.  I did talk with my Hubby’s Dad.  I still thought he was going to be OK.  I did not encourage him to come that night. I thought we had more time. 

A friend stayed the night. I showed him what medications my Hubby needed during the night. I took a sleeping pill with his permission. My Hubby encouraged me to go rest & that he would be just fine. And I slept through the night. 

The next morning I got our kids up and ready for school.  I talked with our friend and checked on my Hubby.  He was sleeping. I remember holding my Hubby’s hand as I told him I was going to take the kids to school & I will be back soon. 

Upon my return our friend told me we should take my Hubby to the hospital. I was on autopilot and did as I was told. My head was in a fog.   I remember being in the front of the ambulance & my Hubby being in the back.  When we arrived at the hospital they put him in a room & asked me a few questions. I really do not remember much.  It’s a blur.  Then I was in the waiting room while they got him comfortable & situated. 

Friends started showing up. People were making phone calls for me.  We were then in a big hospital room in the ER.  More people showed up. More phone calls were made. I was holding my Hubby’s hand.  People were coming over & talking to us.  I really don’t remember any words said.  Then we all formed a circle around his bed. We were all holding hands.  A prayer was said.  Then a friend/nurse said that he was gone.  I continued to hold his hand.  It’s a blur.  I haven’t thought about all this is sooo long.  It seems like a bad dream now.

I remember I was telling friends to phone family members & friends.  Someone had my cell phone.  I continued to hold my hubby’s hand.  I did not want to let go.  The men from the funeral home showed up. I had to leave the hospital.  I had decisions that had to be made.  A friend drove me home in my car.  Not sure how my car got to the hospital.  It’s a big blur. 

I remember that some friends were at my house cleaning. More people then showed up, including pastors.  I don’t remember any words said.  I just remember feeling loved & cared for. 

Next thing I remember, I am in a car with 2 girlfriends going to pick my kids up early from school.  We took them to a little private chapel and I told them there, just the 3 of us.  I don’t think they fully comprehended what I was telling them.  I don’t remember my exact words.  God was (and still is) guiding me, protecting me, comforting me.  And I am sooo very thankful for that.  

God is good and I know that this is His will for my life…and I am at peace…a peace that surpasses all understanding.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-8 

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. Psalm 77:11-14